By Linda Lawless
What comes to mind when you hear the term “Valentine’s Day?” Maybe you experience feelings of love for another, notice a sadness about a lost love, or worse yet, remember a unrequited love. Love can be confusing, but science helps us understand the differences in different kinds of love, by what happens in the body and mind as we step into the dance of love.
• Step one - The science of attraction generally begins with hormonal releases of estrogen and testosterone driving us to gain the favors of our love target.
• Step two - The attraction continues and our bodies release a set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a way similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center. This is when you notice an increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement and euphoria. The good news is this step in love generally lasts from one and a half to three years.
• Step three - Then, lucky for the kids, the bonding and attachment phase sets in. New chemicals are linked to this phase such as higher levels of oxytocin and vasopressin. These chemicals give us a sense of peace and contentment.
Most of us have experienced one or more of these steps or phases, sometimes getting stuck somewhere. Reflect on high school and the guy or girl that caught your eye. You may have loved from afar, leaving phase one unresolved. The best cure for this is to go to your 40th High School Reuinon and see what became of that football star or homecoming queen. Then there’s the disillusionment of the fading of phase 2, when no electricity sparks when your loved one walks in the room. Phase three is the least dramatic, but most long term rewarding of the phases. The long term, in spite of the mid-life crisis, relationships. Many people in today’s culture haven’t experienced phase 3 yet, or were never able to navigate this phase.
You can simplify think of this love dance as attraction and attachment. The attraction phase resembles hunger, thirst, or the craving for chocolate or drugs. These events all take place in the same part of the brain. The attachment phase follows, which is a big bag of differences. A researcher, John Bowlby, was one of the first to identify “attachment theory.”[1]The types of attachment are:
Secure Attachment - This means you had a caregiver who responded to your needs promptly,
Avoidant Attachment - Your caregiver was inconsistent and you never really knew if you were loved.
Conflicted Attachment - Your caregiver gave you little or no loving response.
Disorganized Attachment - Your caregiver was frightening or totally withdrawn and unavailable.
The primary attachment phase takes place during the first 2-3 years of life and much of it is pre-verbal, or remembered somatically (in your body). As you grow, you have new “love” experiences and create behaviors, beliefs and styles of relationship that are particular to you.[1] If you or the people you choose are not able to move to longer term relationships, attachment issues could be at play.
What’s clear in all of this is that “love” is a complex experience played out in our bodies and minds. Given all this complexity you may ask:
Question 1 - Can a person change how their bodies and minds experience “love”?
Answer - The simple answer is YES! There are whole ranges or resources from professional counseling to personal self-reflection and inner change.[1]
Question 2 - While change is taking place, is there a kind love that is simple, good for you, and for most, easily attained?
Answer - Yes, this is the love of compassion and kindness.
In a study of thirty-seven cultures around the world, sixteen thousand subjects were asked about their most desired traits in a mate. For both sexes, the first preference was kindness (the second was intelligence). Loving kindness releases Oxytocin (called the cuddle hormone), which evokes feelings of contentment, reduces anxiety, and creates feelings of equanimity and security. The object of your loving kindness can also be non-human. You can experience this secure equanimity when you’re petting your dog, cuddling your cat, or even helping a trapped bird free themselves. We humans are able to love and care for others who are young and innocent and vulnerable (puppies and hummingbirds). As a psychotherapist, I have discovered that often the most difficult being to love is ourselves.
Make this Valentine’s day, the day you awake, look at yourself in the mirror, and send loving kindness to your inner spirit. Take your spirit of love and sense of peace and share it with everyone you meet. All of this is free of expenses, calories, and memories of lost love. Your new Valentine’s Day can be an opportunity to give love in new and larger ways.
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)
Linda Lawless LMFT, LMHC is a psychotherapist in private practice in Vallejo and Benicia, California. For more information on Mindful living or how psychotherapy can help the ones you love, visit her at www.LindaLLawless.com.
Bowlby J (1973). Separation: Anger and Anxiety. Attachment and Loss. Vol. 2. London: Hogarth. Linda Lawless LMFT, LMHC is a psychotherapist in private practice in Vallejo and Benicia, California. For more information on Mindful living or how psychotherapy can help the ones you love, visit her at www.LindaLLawless.com.
Buss, D. M. (2003). The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of human mating. New York: Basic Books.
Cassidy J (1999). The Nature of a Child's Ties In Cassidy J, Shaver PR. Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research and Clinical Applications. New York: Guilford Press.
Emanuele, E.; Polliti, P.; Bianchi, M.; Minoretti, P.; Bertona, M.; & Geroldi, D (2005). Raised Plasma Nerve Growth Factor Levels Associated with Early-Stage Romatic Love.
Lewis, Thomas; Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2000). A General Theory of Love. Random House.
Siegel, D (2010) Mindsight - The New Science of Transformation, Random House, NY NY
Winston, Robert (2004). Human. Smithsonian Institution. Psychoneuroendocrinology Sept. 05.
